


Oil That Is Black Gold Quahog Tea

by PickleGarden



Category: Family Guy (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 03:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19844917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PickleGarden/pseuds/PickleGarden
Summary: A wizard grants five wishes to Peter. As he and his friends go on the search for uranium and oil.





	Oil That Is Black Gold Quahog Tea

Feeling like he's getting ordered around by Lois all the time. Peter Griffin is returning home with a bag full of groceries. "Stupid nagging bitch wife always telling me what to do.......like Tyler Perry always says, Why Did I Get Married......." Entering his house and putting away the groceries, Peter decides to sit on the front porch. "Might as well wait for Lois to come home so she can give me more things to do. Love, honor, and obey my ass!" A person comes out of the bushes who's dressed like a king. "Excuse me, sir? Did you just say your wife is a bitch?" Peter looks over at the man and he is happy to see him. "How did you know?" asked Peter. "I've been known to help men who are in unhappy marriages." the man in the king outfit said. Peter looks at him and says, "Say, I know who you are! You're that cereal mascot! King Vitamin! That was my favorite cereal when I was a kid. Second only to Kaboom or course!" The man dressed as a king said, "Pretty much close enough. In fact....." The king has now magically morphed himself into a wizard. 

Peter laughs, "You're really a wizard! Are you that one from Lord of The Rings?" The wizard says, "Oh no. I'm 9000 years old and I have forseen many joys and sorrows for centuries and millienia. I have lived through many eras!" "Even the stone age? What were cavemen like?" asked Peter. "Yes, even then. As for cavemen, no, you don't want to know. I can give the power to unhappy men to grant them five wishes. Ready?" Peter stands up and says, "Give it to me right now, baby!" The wizard waves his magic wand and at Peter. Now Peter had the power to have only 5 wishes come true. "You can wish for anything you want! But I must warn you......choose your wishes wisely!" the wizard tells him. Peter makes a pledge, "You sir have totally made my day! I will use my wishes wisely!" 

The wizard disappears and tells Peter, "Good luck! I'll be back in another 9000 years!" "Bye, Wizard! Thank you so much!" Peter calls. 

A car horn is heard down the road. "Great! The bitch is back." Peter said to himself thinking it was Lois. Then Peter thought, 'Hey, now that I have the power to grant myself 5 wishes, maybe I shouldn't complain too much'. The car that pulled up wasn't Lois, it was Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "Hey, Peter! Come with us!" said Joe. "We need you for this." said Cleveland. "Wait until you see what we're up to now!" said Quagmire. "Awww, sweet! It's just you guys! Thought you were Lois there for a minute." said Peter. 

"Our wives will be gone for three days." said Cleveland. "Yes, they went to a party for the How To Get Away With Murder fan club!" said Quagmire. "Cool dudes! Geez, what is it with our wives and Viola Davis, anyway?" asked Peter. "Who cares! Come with us and wait until you see what we found!" said Joe. Peter jumps into the car and decides to tell him about his encounter with the wizard. 

"You will not believe who I just met?" asked Peter. 

"Kylie and Kendra Jenner?" asked Quagmire. 

"Even better than those bimbos!" said Peter. "Who did you meet?" asked Cleveland. "A wizard! I shit you not! He granted me five wishes!" said Peter. "Wizards hey? Will this wizard help us find any Fantastic Beasts?" laughed Joe. "I got five wishes that are sure to come true!" said Peter. "Maybe you can use these wishes on our way to get some oil and uranium!" said Quagmire. "While you're at it, grant me a wish to own my own whorehouse and prostitution ring!" 

Joe was driving to a rock filled canyon that is rich in uranium. "Is this uranium mine in Quahog?" asked Peter. "Yes it is!" said Joe. Instead ended up driving to a remote forest, everyone gets out of Joe's car. 

"This doesn't look like a uranium mine to me." said Cleveland. "Everyone get your backpacks!" said Joe. Peter gets the backpacks and hands them to his friends. Joe says, "That's because it's right behind this forest!" "How long is this going to take to get there?" asked Quagmire. "About 20 miles! But look at it this way! We get to go trekking too!" said Joe. "Couldn't we just drove there?" asked Peter. "No way, they don't allow cars to drive in this forest!" said Joe. Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire groaned at the possibility of walking 20 miles. "Oh come on! What's not to love about this! We have fresh air, nature....." said Joe. Peter thinks, 'Is this the same Joe to tried to kill himself in Niagara Falls?'

During the trek to the canyon, Joe was in good spirits, but Cleveland, Quagmire, and Peter could barely keep up. Out of breath and practically feeling extreme thirst. "Dammit Joe! How many miles did we walk so far?" asked Quagmire. "About 10! Just 10 down and ten to go." said Joe. Feeling very thirsty Peter asks, "Is anyone else as thirsty as I am?" "I am!" said Cleveland. "So thirsty I might as well drink this sweat dripping from my ass!" said Quagmire. "Leave this to me! I shall put my wishes into good use! I wish we all had a beer keg!" Peter wished for a beer keg and it appears out of thin air. "All right!" cheers Quagmire. "Save some for me!" said Cleveland. "I'm not on duty so I can drink!" said Joe. 

Now Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were feeling refreshed after Peter wished for some beer. Quagmire sees a sign that reads, "URANIUM MINE 1 MILE!" "Oh look! This Uranium Mine is only a mile away!" "Oh my gosh! Joe, why didn't you tell us this before?" yells Peter. "I misculcated, all right?" said Joe. "For a cop you sure have no sense of direction." implies Cleveland. "We're almost there so stop piling on me!" said Joe. Walking one more mile they were at the Uranium Mine in the canyon. "If this uranium thing doesn't work out we'll try oil!" said Cleveland. "Yeah, we can be like the Beverly Hillbillies!" said Peter. 

"You guys are in terrible shape anyway, so I thought you all could use the excercise! Even you, Quagmire what with you being skinny and all." Joe tells his friends. 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Upon arriving at the Uranium Mine, they all observed it and were very impressed. "Oooooh. Riches!" 

Peter asks mispronouncing, "How are we going get this ura-anus-ium mine?" "First thing, it's called uranium! It is like you to make up an anus joke." said Cleveland. "I was not making up an anus joke. That's what I thought this was called." Peter speaks. The Uranium Mine was a whole bunch of rocks stacked together to look like a mountain. "Well there it is, men! How should we get this?" asked Quagmire. Peter looks at the Uranium Mine and says, "Maybe Jimmy Hoffa is buried under those rocks." he laughed. "Stop clowning around, this is serious stuff!" said Cleveland. "Yes, I need some money so I can have the surgery to correct my spine so I can walk again. Is this a time to be joking...is it......Peter!" Joe sneered in Peter's face. "Uhhh, no!" Peter tittered. 

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire take off their backpacks and try to figure out a way to get the uranium from the mine. Peter walks up to them, "Got any bright ideas fat ass?" asked Quagmire. "I know! Why don't you wish for something that can get us some uranium." Joe says. "Want to know what I've wanted and wished for all these years? A Clyde's Car Crusher Play Set!" Peter said. "Why not try very hard not to wish for some useless shit!" said Cleveland. "Okay! Here I go! I wish for a Clyde's Car Crusher Play Set!" Peter announcing his wish. "PETER NO!!" the three men screamed. A Clyde's Car Crusher playset appears right before Peter. "AWWWW! Sweet! This Is The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of! Fuck The Maltese Falcon!" Peter opens the box as Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland look at him with wariness. Playing with the toy cars Peter sings, "Clyde's Car Crusher!" 

"That was a fucking waste! Gosh you're such an asshole!" shouted Quagmire. "Why do we even stay friends with you?" Cleveland joins in. Joe calls out, "Hey guys! No need to castigate Peter just yet! I brought dynamite in my backpack!" Cleveland checks his backpack, "I got a detonator!" Joe wheels up to Peter, "You don't get to help us! Go over there and watch!" "Why?" asked Peter. "You know why! Wishing for that stupid toy set! Now go sit your ass down! We don't trust you!" Joe shouted at Peter. 

Cleveland sets up the detonator while Quagmire gets the box of dynamite. Peter runs up all excited, "Oh boy! No way! You're going to use Dynamite! Are we playing Dynamite the Board Game! I loved that game! Now this game is......." Joe tells Peter, "Knock it off now and sit down just like we told you!" Giving in Peter says and goes to sit back down, "Okay, just like you told me." Joe said, "All right men, set up that dynamite to the detonator." "On it!" said Cleveland. Setting up the dynamite to blow up the Uranium Mine, Cleveland and Quagmire hooked everything up. Peter sits down and talks to himself, "Jimmy Hoffa? Whatever did happen to that dude anyway?" Peter mutters, "I wish Jimmy Hoffa would be found!" 

"Great job! Excellent work, guys! So, who's ready to blow up this......" Joe said. Not before long, a dead rotten skeletal body falls from the sky thus lands on Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "Son of a bitch!" "What the hell!" "Peter! Explain this!" 

"Uhhhh, hee hee hee hee hee, I wished for Jimmy Hoffa to be found." shook Peter nervously. "Very typical of you to waste useful wishes, Peter!" said Quagmire. "Just stay on the sidelines and be quiet!" told Cleveland. "Yes, leave this to the pros! Which is obviously something YOU'RE NOT!" roars Joe. 

Peter sits down and watches Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire blow up the Uranium Mine. Then Peter sees a dynamite stick that was broken in the box. Going to pick it up, Peter said, "Hmmmm, this is no good. Must be a dud!" Throwing it to the side that creates a big explosion and pieces of a log cabin house fly all over. Joe angerly wheels himself over to Peter, "What did you do this time, Peter!" 

"Found a broken dynamite stick and wanted to get rid of it! Was just trying to be of some service!" explained Peter. "Stop trying to help!" Joe says. "Yeah, you'll just fuck up everything!" shouts Quagmire. "Go sit down again, and this time DON'T EVEN MOVE!" yells Cleveland. "Fine!" Peter whined. "On the count of three, we blow this fucker up! One.....two.....three!" Cleveland and Quagmire blow up the Uranium Mine and succeed. "YES! WE DID IT!" "HOORAY FOR JOE, CLEVELAND, AND QUAGMIRE!" Joe said, "Let's try to look for Uranium!" "Can I try to find some too? Am I off the hook yet?" asked Peter. 

"NO!" they all shouted. Searching for uranium, all they found was broken rocks. Quagmire thinks he sees something glowing. "Look! I see something!" Throwing the broken rocks to try to find some uranium, all they found was a sign made in glow paint that said, "SORRY NO URANIUM HERE! BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME ASSES!" "OH SHIT! All this for nothing! Now I'll never get my corrective spine surgery!" sobs Joe. 

Peter called, "Did you find any? Is Joe going to be a cripple forever!" "SHUT UP, PETER!" all of them yelled. "We do have another option." assures Cleveland. "What is it?" cried Joe. "Didn't you say you wanted to try to get some oil if this didn't work out?" asked Quagmire. "You're right! There's a fracking drill just over that river." said Joe holding back his tears. 

"Let's go Peter, we're going to get some oil now!" said Cleveland. Peter says, "I'll be right there!" Putting the rotten corpse of Jimmy Hoffa and the Clyde Car Crusher playset in his backpack. "I might need these for later. Was just trying to have fun with my wishes! They didn't have to be asses about it." Peter spoke under his breath. As soon as they walk to the river, the rapids were going slow then fast. 

"Did anyone happen to bring a boat?" asked Cleveland. "No, but I can wish for one!" said Peter. "Please wish for a boat!" said Quagmire. 

"I wish Quagmire were a boat!" Peter said his wish. In seconds, Quagmire morphed into a boat. "AAAAAHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!" "I didn't screw up did I?" asked Peter. "You did your best." said Cleveland. Quagmire was now a boat. "Let's get inside this boat, I mean Quagmire." said Joe. Going inside the Quagmire boat, they used it to ride the rapids in the river." 

"How many wishes do you have now, Peter?" asked Cleveland. "One more." answers Peter. "Good. Make the last one handy and convenient!" said Joe. "Hope his last wish can benefit us all!" said Cleveland. 

Quagmire said, "Peter's final wish better be to turn me back into a human!" 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

As the boat what was Quagmire was sailing down the river. The waves began to get very choppy. "Heh heh! All right! Maybe being a boat isn't so bad! Getting an orgasm from this!" "What is making these waves get so violent?" quivered Cleveland. "I know! Feels like we're in that movie Deliverance!" said Joe with fear. "Or The River Wild. Thank god that cunt Meryl Streep isn't with us!" said Peter. They get their answer soon enough as some snapping turtles, tiger fish, and puffers were jumping out of the water and attacking Cleveland and Joe who were both bleeding from the bites. "Hey, what the hell is going on up there! I can't see what's happening!" said Quagmire. "Oh no! These are some very pissed off fish!" said Joe. "Help us Peter! You're the only one who can save us!" screams Cleveland for his life. Peter stood incapable and impotent. "I'll try something! Uhhh, Stop attacking my friends you water breathing bastards!" 

"No not that! Make a wish you asshole!" said Joe. "Those fish can't hear you! Better make a wish soon before we become fish bait!" said Cleveland. "Listen to them Peter! Be chivalrous for once in your life!" yelled out Quagmire who then sees a rock up ahead. "Oh shit! I'm about to crash into that rock! Peter save us!" The waves caused the Quagmire boat crashed into the rock that sent, Joe, Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire flying. When they landed into the ground, the Quagmire boat broke and he was restored back to his old self. "Good. At least I'm a human again!" Peter sees Joe and Cleveland lay on the ground all bitten up by the rabid fish. "Peter you son of a bitch!" said Joe. "Why didn't you try anything to stop this!" said Cleveland. Peter stood contrite and repentant. "I dunno. Was just in such a mass of stress and panic." said Peter. "What should I have done? I didn't know what to do." 

"Panicking! Ha! Yeah you were! Look what it cost you!" said Joe. Peter said with tears in his eyes, "My friends got badly hurt! And I did nothing! Oh, don't worry, I'll make it up to you......" "You have wish powers! Make one to cure us of these fishbites!" screams Cleveland. "Ohhh, I wish those fish had bitten me instead!" cries Peter using up his last and final wish. From the river, the same fish who attacked Cleveland and Joe flew out of the river and bit up Peter until he bled. Peter collapses into the ground. "Whadda You know! I got my wish!" Quagmire comes up with kicks Peter all over his body. "That's for turning me into a boat you fuckass!" 

Still bitten up by the fish bites, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire made their way to the fracking drill that was in an relinquished farmhouse. "Isn't that the farmhouse Denzel Washington lived in from the movie Flight?" asked Peter. "You remind us of him!" Cleveland said. "You totally fucked up this event for all of us!" Quagmire tells Peter. "Now we can get some money out of this oil so I can have my surgery!" said Joe. "Hey! Stop telling me off and keelhorning me! We're at the fracking drill now, isn't that what counts?" Peter said. 

The wizard appears before them. "Hey guys! It's that wizard who granted me those wishes!" "You weren't lying or making it up!" said Quagmire. The wizard tells Peter, "I've been watching you!" "Really? I did good on these wishes, didn't I?" asks Peter. "Shame on you! Peter Griffin! SHAME!" said the wizard. "Oh come on! First my friends yell at me and now you are? Be on my side!" Peter begs. "Why should I be? I advised you to use your wishes carefully but instead you used up all your wishes on selfish insignificant things!" said the wizard. 

Cleveland laughs, "That's Peter for you!" "You're right about him, Wizard! He thinks about nobody else but himself!" said Joe. The wizard told Peter, "In fact, I'm not even a wizard at all! And I am NOT 9000 years old!" Then the wizard takes off his outfit and is now in a generic magicians suit. "I am really Michael Connors! A scam artist magician from Branson Missouri!" 

"The hell!" said Quagmire. "You told us this was a real wizard!" said Joe. "I thought he was!" said Peter. "Let's hear what he has to say." said Cleveland. "Go on, Michael." said Joe. 

"You see, I'm trying to get on the Tru TV Show The Carbonaro Effect. Then I tried that CW show Masters of Illusion. Since I got rejected from both, I've been going all across America to look for the dumbest and stupidest people to actually believe I am really a wizard!" 

"How did you make the wishes come true?" asked Quagmire. 

"DUH! HELLO! I'm a magician! I just hid away where nobody can see me and made the things this fat ass fuck wished for appear!" shouted Michael. 

"Oh so you're not really a wizard! Then why did you pick me for this?" asked Peter. 

"Because I heard via word of mouth around this town that you were the dumbest person in Quahog and you were perfect to fall for my game plan!" said Michael. 

Peter feels numb and witless. "Will you look at that, Peter is speechless!" said Cleveland. "Now that we know the truth, we can't blame Peter for any of the troubles that has happened." said Quagmire. 

Michael makes his departure, "Look at the time, I'm going to Arkansas next to see what other nitwit I can make look dumb! Later assholes!" Michael disappears as he laughs like a lunatic. Overall, Joe's and Cleveland's fish bites were cured. 

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire stare at Peter. "This wasn't entirely my fault! Now you gotta apologize to me!" 

"You are our friend, " said Cleveland.

"We've given you lots of chances," said Quagmire. 

"Oh hell. I think we can for acquit you for this. It was all that stupid magicians fault!" said Joe. 

"Thanks guys! Like Ernest and Gallio Wine. You're all the best. Now who wants to go get their hands on some of that oil?" says Peter.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Walking over to the fracking drill, they try to figure out how to use it. "We're at this drill but how do we get any oil out of it?" asked Cleveland. "We can watch a Youtube video to find out!" suggests Peter. "We didn't even bring any iPHONEs and I doubt this place has Wifi." said Joe. 

"Did anyone happen to see that movie with Matt Damon Promised Land? That was about fracking." asks Quagmire. Looking into the sky in confusion, Joe, Cleveland, and Peter were saying, "uuuuhhhh." "hmmmmmm" "aaaaaahhhhhh" "All right, forget it!" said Quagmire. 

"If we don't know how to work this piece of shit, we're screwed." said Cleveland. "You guys won't be screwed but I would. I won't be able to afford my surgery!" reminds Joe. Peter goes up to the fracking drill then enters the farmhouse. "What's he up to now?" asked Quagmire. Inside the farmhouse Peter sees a switch, "A-ha! That's how we turn it on. How easy was this." 

"Gosh, let's cross our fingers that he doesn't fuck up." said Joe. "This time it won't be the fault of a failing magician!" implied Quagmire. Peter turns on the switch and the fracking drill began to work. "YES! YES!" "Did Peter actually come through for us?" 

Running out of the farmhouse, the fracking drill squirts up oil. "You guys! You guys! Did it work? Did you see?" Peter said excitedly. "We did!" "Will you take a sight of that! It's Earl! Like My Name is Earl!" laughs Peter. "That's not called Earl, it's oil!" said Quagmire. "Yes! Oil That Is! Black Gold Texas Tea!" giggled Peter. "More like Rhode Island Tea!" said Joe. "Think it's safe to say that this makes us the real life Beverly Hillbillies!" Peter said. "Yeah it does! And you're the Jethro of our group, Peter!" jokes Quagmire. 

Suddenly the fracking drill goes out of control and oil squirts all over the place. The fracking drill falls over on it's side and breaks the farmhouse. Oil is coming out of where the fracking drill once stood. "Still have our oil. Now how do we stop it so we can collect it?" asked Cleveland. Peter volunteers to sit on the pipe from the fracking drill and the oil stops. 

"Good job Peter!" said Joe. "You stopped the oil!" said Cleveland. "Isn't there anything we can't do together!" said Quagmire. "This is awesome you guys! I stopped the oil! I'm a successful cork! Me so happy!" Peter cheers. 

Their want for opulence with the oil comes to a grinding halt when the oil squirts up into the air again this time, taking Peter with it. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH! OOOOHHHHH NNNNNOOOOO!!!!" Peter shouts for help. Quagmire said, "Holy shit! Bad luck bestows upon us once more!" "This is nasty!" panicked Cleveland. "Hey Joe! Hey Cleveland! Hey Quagmire! Get me down! WWWWWOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!" 

"Keep calm Peter! We'll get you down!" said Joe who wheeled off to find a rope. "I'm an unsuccessful cork!" Peter cries. 

Coming back with a rope, Joe lassos it and tells Peter, "Tie this around you!" Peter tied the rope around himself and Joe pulls him from the oil and Peter lands on the ground. "Find some buckets so we can collect this oil and get some money from it!" said Quagmire. All were getting buckets to gather the oil. 

Now all their buckets were filled with oil, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire decide to cash in on what they earned. 

Driving back to into town Joe parks the car at Quahog First National Bank. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all enter with the buckets of oil then were immediately thrown out. 

"That isn't oil you dumb assfuckers! That's shit!" a bank teller yells out to them. 

"Oh dammit! Thought for sure this was oil." said Joe. Peter then becomes the man with a plan. "You know those wishes I asked for........." Taking out Jimmy Hoffa's rotten corpse from his backpack and the Clydes Car Crusher play set. 

"Shit Peter! You kept that corpse in your backpack this whole time! Gosh you're such a ghoul!" said Quagmire. 

Peter was proclaimed a local hero for finding Jimmy Hoffa's body and he got $100,000 for the Clydes Car Crusher play set. Joe was ecstatic, "So Peter! Are you going to give me that money for my surgery?" Peter thinks for a minute. 

At the hospital Dr. Hartman tells Joe, "Sorry we already gave the surgery to a crippled kid. Guess I won't be doing any spinal surgeries for a while." Joe was feeling oppressed and disadvantaged. "I'm going to be a cripple forever. No wonder Bonnie is so fed up and frustrated with me. She should leave me for good." "We tried everything Joe, sorry it didn't work out." said Cleveland. "On the plus side, you'll always have your friends." assures Quagmire. "Thanks a lot guys." said Joe.

"You know guys, I still have $100,000 on me and I know just what to do with it!" said Peter. 

"How about you take me to a hospital in New York City and see if I can get my surgery there!" said Joe with hope. 

Turns out, Peter spent the $100,000 to open a Broadway Theater in Quahog. A sign in neon lights read, "Beverly Hillbillies The Musical." 

"Step right up and see my newest creation! Beverly Hillbillies The Musical!" Peter said at the booth selling tickets. "You think you know the whole story about a man named Jed a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed......."

"If this is Peter's way of making me feel better, I'll take it." said Joe. "What the hey, let's go see Peter's play!" said Cleveland. "He can write a play better than Brian ever could." said Quagmire. 

"Hey guys! Glad you can come see my play! Since you're my friends, you get to come in for free!" Peter said. 

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all go see Peter's Musical Play. Soon everyone in Quahog was lined up to see Beverly Hillbillies the Musical.


End file.
